i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
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Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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