I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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