My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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