If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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