Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
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I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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