i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
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The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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