as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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