who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
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I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh god it's open bar.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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