I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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