Can i not drive my cunt home
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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