watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize