i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
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After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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