I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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