gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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