You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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