I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Terrible idea I love it
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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