while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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