Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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