Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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