Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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