drunk tastebuds have low standards.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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