That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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