trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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