girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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