I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
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Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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