she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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