I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize