I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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