I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
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I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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