Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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