Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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