on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
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We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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