It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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