the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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