you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize