The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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