I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
sex in a hospital.. check
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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