I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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