So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
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I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
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Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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