Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
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Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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