dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
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Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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