There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize