you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
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yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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