nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
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CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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