i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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