i love accidental penises.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
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I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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