apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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