I met the friendliest cop last night
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize