Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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