So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
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did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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